


Dave Rant.

by 12oclockAM



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Dave Rant, I need to get this out, It is just a fucking rant, M/M, Rant, yeah - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-20
Updated: 2020-11-20
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:48:57
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27640970
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/12oclockAM/pseuds/12oclockAM
Summary: It's just a Dave rant. Want to waste your time? Here you go shawty bae <3
Kudos: 4





	Dave Rant.

**Author's Note:**

> siigggh.....

"Okay, but listen, if you were to think really fucking think about it, what if the Queen of England hasn't died because she's actually a woman that switches out with another every day in a costume. She has a really distinct, hunched over body type and I always _think_ I know what it looks like, but then I see a picture of her and I'm like 'oh, shit, I was thinking of someone else this entire fucking time.' and then I look at her face and think the same thing! Like, sure, her face is pretty easy to remember seeing as she's the fucking _Queen_ , but I always think her facial features are completely different than when I see an image of her. Do you think she's, like, a goblin? Do goblins shape shift? Hang on now that I think about it are we going to have mystical creatures like that on Earth C? What if we have the same celebrities we had on our original Earth? One day Obama is born and we, mainly I, catch wind of it and God damn that boy is going to be raised like a _God_. I'll see him and just tell everyone that he's the son of the stars. When he dies he'll be right up there with the Mayor, drinking their tea respectfully as they smile down on us. Rest in Peace, Mayor. Sniff. Anyways, but I fucking HOPE that Ben Stiller is reborn. I see that guy and I'm like 'oh, THESE shades? They look FAMILIAR to you?' and do an overdramatic turn to him but I only twist the upper half of my body so my ass really stands out, and just push down my shades a smidgen and wink at him like the sexy fucking beast I am. Hey, what if Jade falls in love with a human from Earth C? And like, I mean human as in not one of the original Sburb or Sgrub players. Also I say Jade in particular because she's the only one of us humans that isn't in a relationship. Rolal has June, you have Kanaya, I have Karkat, Jake has Dirk. Well, I guess Jane doesn't have any romantic partners but Jane is, like, technically Jade's great aunt and grand niece. Fuck that'd be really fucking weird now that I think about it. Actually, have you read the old tabloids? Some people thought that apparently Gods can't have family members and though Jade and Jake were an item. God was that gross as shit. Bitches had been writing smutty fanfics and shit but little did they know they were each others grandparents. That's weird as shit in itself. Imaging your grand daughter was also your grand mother. How the fuck would that work other than out weird timeline situation? Like, okay hear me out. You have a child, and that child has a child, and _that_ child adopts you as _their_ child. Then the child you had, who is the parent of the child that is now your parent, is technically your grandparent while you're still their... wait no I got the timeline wrong. You would still be _just_ their parent, not their grandparent. Hah, kind of ironic that the time guy got his timeline wrong. But really, can you blame me? That shit's confusing as fuck. Okay random change of topic but I really suddenly want to listen villainous music. I'm talking Shayfer James, For the Departed. Or one of those musicals that has a scarily good evil sound track. That makes me think of Mother Knows Best. Mother Gothel will always be a fucking queen deep down in my heart. Like, sure, she was a trash parent. Felt that shit on Rapunzel's side. But legit, she had a nice ass voice. Who was her voice actor? Did anyone ever pay attention to the voice actors for Disney and Pixar movies? What was another popular animation company.... DreamWorks. Who the fuck was the GOD that voiced Puss in Boots? Like, sure, you would expect me to point out Shrek for the meme. But Puss in Boots will always be the coolest cat on the block, beating even me. But that's only because I'm not a cat, don't get any of your thoughts mistaken. Don't want anyone to get embarrassed once they walk up to me all like 'oh hey man heard you weren't the coolest being ever to exits haha lol rofl nerd headass looking' and then I'm just like 'aw sorry dude you must be thinking about the fact that I'm not the coolest _cat_ , talk to me when you've grown less body hair and started using axe you poor fuck'. Like, imagine how devastatingly, mortifyingly embarrassed you'd be if that happened to you? you just insulted the coolest fucking thing ever to be born in his _face, and_ got roasted after looking like an idiot when he called you out. He's probably talking shit about you right now on his Twitter, which he's verified on. He's verified on just about everything, now that I think about it. Oh wait, I don't _have_ to think about it because I _am_ him. Man, sorry, it's just too much of an honor to be this cool sometimes that is just slips my mind. Now that sentence may not make sense to you but that's just because you don't have the same amount of ironic genius that I do, Rose."

"Are you done?"

"No, anyways, I actually kind of feel bad for everyone on the meteor. They had to bare the stress of trying to be at least a smidgen as cool as me or else they'd implode by coming within a two mile radius of me. There are only three people that met the cool level, Rose. And those people are the Mayor, Karkat, and TZ. I'm not only saying Karkat because we're an item, I'm saying that because he's the raddest motherfucker out there besides me and the Mayor. TZ can only dream of catching up to him. Actually, now that I think about it, the only person that could ever surpass me in coolness levels is the Mayor. I would gladly step down for him, but he was just so nice that he just let me keep first place. Coolest at heart, dawg. Rest in Peace. Come one Rose, don't look at me like that. You know that whenever me or Karkat mention His Honorable Canmenship we have to grant him our respect. Show your fucking respect, Rose. God damn. You're like the Satan of Earth C, holy shit. How dare you? How. Dare. You. One does not simply roll their eyes at a man who is trying to but only send his condolences to the far heavens where the greatest of friends who ever did live is residing now. Actually, Rose have you ever listened to Charlotte Cardin? She seems like a mix of someone you would listen to and something Kanaya would listen to. Actually, I've never really pondered what type of music Kanaya may be into. I would say she's one of those badasses that seems like she listens to cheesy shit but in reality she actually listens to heavy metal. She doesn't, like, sing along or anything either. She just sits in her fancy looking recliner and sips tea while reading to Pierce the Veil, or Bring me the Horizon. I don't know why those are the first two bands I could think of. Shit, maybe she'd listen to Mother Mother. I know you do, don't get excited and ramble on about Mother Mother. Ramblers are so fucking annoying, Rose, you should feel ashamed of yourself. What is this person you've become? You not only have disrespected the mayor but you've also become an awful person. Actually, no what am I thinking, I should have known you were a bad person the second you reacted like THAT to me giving the Mayor a good ol' rip in peace. Why don't I say that more often? That's funny as shit. Rip in peace is like giving someone a fathers day card at their father's funeral because you couldn't find any funeral cards and you weren't going to take flowers for an answer. Do funeral cards even exist? What would they look like? A white wall with a vase of cosmos and it just says 'Sorry about your Uncle!' That'd be really fucking funny now that I think about it. Man, aren't I just on a role with the HUMOR today. Funny man, it is me. But really though this whole calling myself a man thing reminds me of the sexy saxophone gu-"


End file.
